Can a straght woman, 21 years old, who thought she was straight her whole life (hell she wasn't even thinking about this, because straight or gay don't walk around thinking "im straight, straight." "i'm gay, gay gay." Like hell no) suddenly realise she is lesbian? Because it's nothing wrong to me about being lesbian, it's wrong with me being lesbian. I feel hopeless, awful, ashamed, dumb and I want my life back: Please don't answer this question before reading my story. When I cool down my answer is yes, I want life with a man, but then my brain: NO YOU DON"T YOU'RE LESBIAN GET OVER IT. I don't even know if I'm still attracted to men. I think like I have to check if I'm sexually aroused by someone. I avoid TV, books (I love books), pictures of women and even men, going out, being in crowd, being in female crow. I used to masturbate to straight and gay porn (not lesbian - never watched any lesbian porn), i wanted to look at men etc. But now HOCD makes me think I've never wanted it. I've always wanted a loving, caring man, children and the whole family stuff. But I think about having a woman by my side and it's just awful thing to me (no offense), like it's not me, I don't want it. I do not check porn, because I'm so anxious and scared so I couldn't even focus. My obsessions are pretty obvious like every person with HOCD. I can relate almost to every HOCD symptom. I am from Poland so I had to look for this fo a long time, but what I did was searching searching searching for people, who have felt like me. I didn't know what I was going through till I found out about HOCD. Unwanted thoughts, images, i was going to throw up (yuck, sorry). I was watching some random video on youtube about girl coming out, telling kissing a girl was so right and so on. And NOW I think like my whole was a lie, I can't find myself comfortable. Watching all movies about love (straight but gay to like "Brokeback mountain" but it wasn't something I was related to). Reading novels about man loving woman and me feeling like this woman, crying after Jack Dawson while watching Titanic (it has already started and I was just in tears because of music and thrills).
I've imagined myself having sex with guys, I was falling asleep with the image of me being hold in man's arms. Before HOCD (is it hocd?) I've looked at some woman and think: wow she's hot, like super hot, why I don't look like this? Why has God gave her boobs and all the look and not me? I was jealous, not sexually aroused. Makes me think I was never attracted to men, or I was but I am not anymore and I'm attracted to women.
But now my brain says something different. I was like 9, 10? There were many girls in there and we've been practicing. And now my HOCD is torturing me with this. I had crush on my classmate, an instructor of meetings with other cultures, always man, never girls. Being 13 I remember being crazy over a boy who was 2 years older. Also I thought they were immature for me. But how can I be really sure it's HOCD and not lesbian in denial? What I mean is: I am 21 years old and still a virgin, I've never had a boyfriend, because I didn't feel like I needed one (it doesn't mean I didn't have crushes). I am struggling with HOCD, well I think it is hocd and my therapist claims it too. But I couldn't compare it to what I went through a year earlier, so with time I've found my feet and felt confident again. One year ago, I was moving to my friend and felt anxious.
After moving out I was a happy person again. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. I went through hell, crying all day, wearing a mask at school and even at home, cause my roomates were horrible! I had no privacy, I've always felt watched, judged, yeah that was hell to me.
I was scared that I will miss my brother's puberty (he's 14 now), about my dog dying. I had thoughts about my parents dying (they're in their 40ties so no), I've kept always checking if anything bad happens to them. Two years ago, when I've started study at the university in another city, I became very anxious. I panicked every time when wind was blowing, so I couldn't have baloons, my mom or grandma couldn't wear skirts or dresses, because I was terrified the wind will take them away. As a kid I was falling asleep with my dad or mom holding my hand (like, every night, though I had my own room). I've never been diagnosed with OCD in previous years, though I've always was anxious person. I would like to ask you about your opinion whether or not it's HOCD, but at first I want to share something. I really need help, because I don't know what to do and am loosing my mind. Please don't reject this post because it's so long. I'm a woman, 21 years old, Polish so sorry for any grammar mistakes.